I feel better about everything.
I have been thinking a lot of things through, I think maybe being at home is good for a bit. Things are slower, I feel comfortable enough to come to some conclusions about myself. It puts a small smile on my face.

I have some friends who mean a lot to me. I have some who don't, and I am trying to differentiate between the two. You don't stay friends forever with everyone. College makes you realize that. Even your friends in college, you don't stay friends forever. When people aren't around you its hard - its not impossible - but its hard.

I think I know who I am. I think I know what I like. I think I know what I don't like. I think I know what is important to me. I know I will be influenced into other things, I know that my ideals will change with the times, but I know that I am happy with who I am. I am not happy with some of the things I do, but thats different, I am happy with who I am.

Oh god, this is reinforcing.

I am letting go of all of my anxiety.
I am excited to see my mom, and get angry at her when I ask her for help with spanish and get frustrated.
On thanksgiving I plan on learning the foundations of the entire language.
I love college, but its been months

I got lip ring guy's number, or well, he got mine!
Whatever a exchange took place!

"I thought, There is nowhere else in the universe I would rather be at this moment. I could count the places I would not rather be. I’ve always wanted to see New Zealand, but I’d rather be here. The majestic ruins of Machu Picchu? I’d rather be here. A hillside in Cuenca, Spain, sipping coffee and watching leaves fall? Not even close. There is nowhere else I could imagine wanting to be besides here in this car, with this girl, on this road, listening to this song. If she breaks my heart, no matter what hell she puts me through, I can say it was worth it, just because of right now. Out the window is a blur and all I can really hear is this girl’s hair flapping in the wind, and maybe if we drive fast enough the universe will lose track of us and forget to stick us somewhere else."

I am nervous. I'm afraid. But I will stand here in the white hot heat of you. I will play Russian roulette with your playlists. I will tell jokes I'm not sure you'll find funny. I will hold on until there is no more reason to. And in the end, I will break the stars and resurrect the sun

I was a research assistant in a pysch experiment last night. From 9-12:30 we all went down and interviewed people leaving the bars on State Street. It was so much fun. When you see me please ask me to you the stories if I don't have time to update this later, I am in Drugs and Behavior right now, and I should get back to Dr. Lisman

 I am excited to go home for thanksgiving, in the same way that I am dreading it. 
Which shouldn't make sense but I am sure you understand.

I am part of an organization called BUMP. Binghamton University Music Presents, we put on shows. We  are getting Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin in December, which I think is going to be really great. Next week we are putting on a Battle of the Bands, I have never been one for these kind of shows, local scenes disinterest me, when really they shouldn't. but oh how I love polished music. 

This weekend I am going to be a research assistant for a psychology experiment put on by a group of graduate students here. It has something do to with alcohol, we are going to be conducting interviews with students leaving the bars downtown. I am not exactly sure what we are looking for, training is this tuesday. It should be very interesting though, when is talking to drunk people not?

Friday, I went to my very first friday, where all the art galleries downtown open up and serve wine and cheese. It was delicious. Also I found a really cute college town store in downtown binghamton that I wasn't aware of before, it is where I am going to buy all my presents from now on. 

A lot of people didn't like High School because it was the same thing day after day, year after year. I think its more than that, I think its the same nation wide, across generations. High school is a constant. Thats why we can all sit down and laugh at High School tv shows, thats why John Hughes movies made us cringe with familiarity. There is always that pregnant girl in your health class, there is always that oafish kid who is a class clown during earth science, to cover up the fact he hasn't understood a math or science class since seventh grade, there is always that girl who doesn't talk, there is always that couple who have been together for more than one third of their entire lifetimes at that point in time, there is always that boy who got a hand job during an assembly, and there is always the kid who leaves their folder in their last period class day after day. Sometimes that kid is you. 

I need to capitalize on more constants in life. I want to explore things that everyone has in common. I want to have real conversations with people. 

College strips you of variation in people. Well in measures of intellgence. We are all smart here. At least we have the vast differences in socio-economic backgrounds and race, and countries and interests to make up for it. But sometimes I miss that pregnant girl from health class. 

Do you really have to do something to make you happy?
Can't you just be happy with what you do, whatever it is?

I think everyone is grappling with this concept. Being in control of your entire future is unnerving, however I am glad that I am in control. Even if I don't know what to do at the wheel.

Christina says that I have really matured since High School. I don't know if that is true. Honestly I didn't think I was a very immature High Schooler to start out with, and if I was, I still feel that way. You know what? It used to be enough to just have someone like me, that would of made my day in High School, whoever it was, if you liked me that meant we had something in common. 

Now I am preoccupied finding someone who I like. No one is right. Either they spend too much of their days doing drugs, they are domineering, or their facebook profile picture is them participating in an arm wrestling match. 

Oh well, everybody is looking for somebody. Usually its just not the person who is looking at you, or vise versa, which is sad. 

Tomorrow night I am going to be in such a mood, doing a chemistry lab all night. I am trying to soak in tonight where I have relatively no worries, except two exams tomorrow. But that calms me down, it excuses me taking a "study break" if I had physical work to do, it would be harder to write this off as a break. Or an efficient use of my time.

I've lost weight. I feel like no matter what I only fit into one pair of jeans at any time in my life. I am either to big to fit into any but one, or too small to fit into any but one. The weight loss has taken me by surprise, I spent all summer exercising, only for my body to catch up this month. However, after I am done catching up, my newfound love of pasta dishes will bring me back into to normal. 

Last week someone dressed up as Green man from its always sunny in phillydelphia came running through  our weekly hinman government meeting. This week, there was a person in a hot dog suit. Its like they know I need these distractions. Oh and I am planning a Temporary TatTuesday program in my hall, its going to be pretty cool. 

I am going to sleep now. I will talk to you tomorrow, because my entries aren't constructed very well and I think it is because its from a lack of practice. From now on you are going to know about my life. OKAY?

 How can I stop biting my nails?
Its gotten really bad.

Yesterday there was a haunted house in one of the buildings in Mountain view, so me and Carly went after our socials meeting. We expected it to be lame, because it was being put on by the RAs of that building. I almost peed my pants. I don't know how they managed to make it that scary, I was disoriented and holding some girl who I had just met's hand.

Now I want to go to a real one, even though I know I hate them. What is it about wanting to go to something that you are just going to want to get out of as soon as possible when you are in it.

Halloween is going to be so much fun, its my first college one and I am more than a little bit excited.

Last weekend I went to my friend Steve's birthday party. The party's foundation was unstable considering his girlfriend was coming up and was going to be there with all his closest friends in addition to the girl he has been emotionally attached to here and all of his closest binghamton friends. Eventually it got to be too much, and I had smoked weed, which makes me get very quiet and wide eyed, so I copped out and went into a bedroom and covered myself in blankets and curled up in the foot of the bed, just in case the other people wanted to sleep there. Twenty mintutes later two people come in and start having a conversation, I figured they just needed a quiet place from the party to talk for a little bit so I didn't bother to be like "hey! before you say anything serious know that I am also in this room!" But then one of them starts crying, and then I realize it is a guy crying to another guy, which is really something very personal, so I was entirely uncomfortable to be a part of this situation, but now that he was crying I was stuck. They were having a conversation about how his girlfriend of 2 years and 9 months just broke up with him and won't tell him why or talk to him, and it really was a heartwrenching story. Eventually more people came in and everyone was sharing these personal stories, and I was about to die. Someone goes to jump on the bed and hits into me and I get up and everyone is just like "...Kaitlin how long have you been there?"

I could of written that in a funnier way, oh well ask me to tell you

 Its so much fun to feel like this. 
Excited and nervous and unsure. 
Thats why I am going to keep it that way.
Also I am passive...and excited and nervous and unsure.

Gregory and the Hawk tonight
Being a part of Binghamton University Music Presents isn't so bad
Even though I hate shows.

ohgodohgodohgod
Halloween next week and I am not prepared
Chemistry test next week and I am not prepared
Spanish test next week and I am not prepared
Spanish presentation next week and I am not prepared
Drugs and Behavior Test next week and I am not prepared

Next weekend is going to be epic.
Just because all those tests will be over.
And I am kind of prepared for them.

Except drugs and behavior, but my TA is in my spanish class and he told me that its just common sense. Then he said we should all study for the spanish test together and take shots every time we get a question right. I told him we learned in Drugs and Behavior class that does not work and he said, "No, all we have to do is get drunk right before the test too!" He is the best Drugs and Behavior TA ever, he is addicted to Xanax


 

 [Dylan se está sentando. Kaitlin entra.]

 

K: ¡Hola, mi amor!

D: Hola, bebe. Comó fue tu día? 

K: Asi-asi. Y tu? 

D: Era muy aburrida. 

 

[Kaitlin mira a la ropa sucio y repugnante que Dylan esta llevando.]

 

K: ¿QUÉ estás llevando?

D: Este es mi conjunto favorito! 

K: Es la cosa más fea que he visto en mi vida. Donde compraste eso? 

D: En Wal-Mart.

K: Esos son terribles! Quiero tirar a la basura!  

D: ¡Eh! Yo te tiran a la basura!

Don't you think it would be sacar instead of tirar

[Kaitlin parece enojado.]

 

K: Tenemos que ir al centro comercial.

D: Pero esta es mi estilo!

K: ¿Que, un indijente?

D: Si, si, iremos al centro comercial. Pero estas conduciendo. 

 

[Kaitlin y Dylan entrar en el coche.]

 

K: ¿Puedes encender la radio, por favor?

 

[Dylan se ajusta a la radio. Song 1 empieza a jugar.] 

 

K: Esta es una canción terrible! Cambiarlo!

 

________________________________________________________________________

 

[Dylan adjusts radio again. Song 2 comes on.]

 

K: Esta canción me recuerda a mi novio pasado.

 

[Dylan looks mad and adjusts the radio a final time. Song 3 comes on. Kaitlin and Dylan look at eachother. Both start to dance. Dylan realizes Kaitlin isn’t watching the road.]

 

D: La calle! [Kaitlin grabs the wheel again and stops the car.]

D¡Estamos aquí!

[Kaitlin and Dylan exit the car]

 

K: What store do you want to go to first? 

Qué tienda su quieres entramos 

D: Ooh, Gamestop! I need the new Call of Duty game! 

K: No, we’re here for clothes! Not videogames! 

D: Fine, where do you want to go? 

K: Let’s go to Hollister. 

D: What’s a Hollister? 

K: [Rolls her eyes.] Follow me. 

 

[Kaitlin drags Dylan to Hollister. Before entering, lights are turned off. Matt enters in his Hollister clothes, spraying cologne and raving.]

 

M: Welcome to Hollister! Need any help? 

K: He needs new clothes.

D: It smells in here. 

M: [Ignores Dylan] Follow me!

 

[Matt begins to show clothes to Dylan and Kaitlin.]

 

M: What about this? 

D: No.

M: And this? 

K: Those pants are too tight. 

M: And this?

D: That’s not bad. How much does it cost? 

M: Money is not important Dylan!

 

[Dylan looks confused.]

 

D: How do you know my name? 

M: It’s not important! Let us continue. 

 

[Kaitlin and Dylan exchange confused looks and continue to follow Matt. Matt shows them another rack of clothing.]

 

M: This is the new style, fresh from the beaches of California. 

 

[Matt picks up an article of clothing and looks as if he is about to hand it to Dylan, but instead puts it on himself and starts to bro-dance again]

 

M: Do you like? 

D: Not really, but-

M: [Cuts Dylan off] Don’t worry. I’ll get it from the back for you. 

 

[Matt exits and leaves Kaitlin and Dylan alone.]

 

D: We need to get out of here. This music is terrible and it smells like an armpit. I don’t think I like this “Hollister” place. 

K: Yeah, and I think there’s something wrong with that salesperson. He’s a weirdo. 

D: Weirdo? Subjunctive? 

K: What? 

D: Nothing. Let’s go. 

 

[Walking through the mall, Kaitlin sees a jewelry store and gets excited.]

 

K: Ooh, look at this jewelry! I love this necklace! And its only 494 dollars! It would make a great anniversary gift. [Kaitlin shoves Dylan to hint him.]

D: That’s way too expensive. 

K: Oh yeah? My ex-boyfriend would’ve bought it for me. 

D: Well I’m not your ex-boyfriend! 

K: Oh, there he is! 

 

[Matt enters, looking suave and handsome.] 

 

M: Kaitlin!

 

[Kaitlin and Matt hug eachother warmly. Matt looks at Dylan]

 

M: Daniel. 

 

[Dylan looks defeated]

 

D: It’s Dylan…

M: [Ignoring Dylan] How have you been? You look so beautiful!

K: Oh Matt…I’ve been good! You work at Victoria’s Secret now? 

M: Yes! I can get you some great deals on bras, too! Come with me!

 

[Kaitlin and Matt enter the store excitedly. Dylan remains behind looking upset for a second, and reluctantly follows. Matt starts getting out bras for Kaitlin to try on.]

 

M: I think this would fit you nicely. Actually, I know it would. We did date, after all. 

K: [Laughs] Oh, you! 

 

[Dylan continues to stand to the side looking angry. Kaitlin continues to look through bras.]

 

K: I like these ones, do you think they are my size? 

M: I’m not sure. Let’s see. 

 

[Matt motions as if he is about to grab Kaitlin.]

 

D: Alright, I’ve had enough of this. Let’s go Kaitlin! 

 

[Dylan grabs Kaitlin away from Matt, and Matt holds up his arms exposing his enormous biceps.]

 

K: Wow Matt, look at how big your arms are! 

M: I’ve been working out. Biceps and triceps only. Curls for the girls. 

D: We have to go now! 

K: Go where? 

D: To GNC!

K: Why?

D: I need protein! 

 

[Dylan storms out of Victoria’s Secret dragging Kaitlin with him.]

 

K: You are impossible! 

D: Stop talking with other men! 

K: You can’t tell me what to do!

 

[Dylan holds up his hand and looks like he is about to slap Kaitlin, but stops himself.]

 

K: Not again!

D: Let’s just get some clothes and get out of here! 

K: Check out the display case for Express. 

D: And it’s on sale too! 

 

[Dylan and Kaitlin enter Express.]

 

K: Excuse me, sales clerk! 

M: Can I help you? 

K: My boyfriend is looking for a new style. 

D: She’s looking for me to have a new style….

M: We just got these new sweaters and pants in! 

D: I’d like something cheaper…

M: Okay, come check out our clearance rack. 

 

[Dylan and Kaitlin look at the rack of clothes.]

 

K: Ooh, I like these! I think you should try it on.

 

[Dylan tries on the clothes]

 

K: You look so hot! Much better than my ex-boyfriend now! 

D: Okay, I’m buying them. 

M: Great, let me ring them up for you! 

 

[They walk over to the cash register]

 

M: That’ll be 75 dollars. 

 

[Dylan reaches for his money, and realizes he doesn’t have his wallet. Dylan and Kaitlin turn around.]

 

D: I don’t have my wallet! [whispered]

M: Is everything okay? 

D: One moment, please. [To Kaitlin] Follow my lead.

 

[Dylan grabs the clothes and starts to run around the desk to “Wacky Sax”. Eventually Dylan makes it to the door, but Matt is in front of him]

 

M: Stop, thief! 

 

[Matt slaps Dylan in the face]

 

M: Give me the clothes and leave, forever!! 

K: We’re breaking up! 

 

[Dylan falls to his knees and cries dramatically]

 

D: Why!!!!!!!?????????????

 They had to put Mickey to sleep. My whole family is torn up about it. 
There have been very few times where I have heard my dad cry.
He told me they were just getting attached to him, when this happened.
He also said he would do anything for that cat.
That broke my heart more than even the death itself.
But thats probably only because I am at college and I am not able to notice his absence yet. I am scared to go home, its not really real yet. 

I slept over the guy's apartment yesterday, and it was nice. We stayed up late talking, and it was maybe one of the first times I had conservations of value with them, it takes me a lot to have conversations like that with boys. I think it may of marked the beginning of the end of my discomfort with boy-girl friendships. I needed that one on one time with them. 

Tristian told me I should sleep over once every week, and it really made my day, or well week since its been understandably crappy. 

I guess thats not fair. It should be crappier then it was, but like I said college has a way of distancing yourself from grief at home. I cried all day when I found out, in the middle of classes and in hallways, but that weekend I was doing three legged races, tug o war, lip singing competitions, going to to Birthday parties, drinking punch made by girls which was decievingly strong, playing Asshole and having sleepovers. 

 I would like to watch a romantic comedy. One that really rips you apart until the end where you get a sugary sweet ending right before the credits roll in. I just want to be immersed in something, without actually having to do it. I am very happy being single, in a selfish way, all your time is yours. But I could use a good romantic movie. 

I've begun to study in a new way. I make posters now. Where Jack Johnson posters and scenic views of sunsets over the beaches of Hawaii should be stand sheets upon sheets of conjugations. Different colors, magic markers, ordered by tense. Mixed between the taped up photos are solubility rules, green for soluble red for insoluble. Polyatomic ions are pined down the strip of cork board that lines the room. Honestly, it is visually appealing, if not mentally stimulating. 

There is a boy named Ali who lives above me. He doesn't like the nickname Prince Ali, however he is the biggest klepto ever, and if I can't be expected to make a street rat comment every time he empties his pockets of candy from the Nite Owl, then I don't know what to do

The guy from Post Secret came last week. I want him to be related to me, a uncle or a grandfather, even a dad. He is just so amazing, he made me want to really feel for people all the time, instead of just feeling for them at events like that, or in sad movies. 

If a guy tells you to listen to a song, and writes it down for you on a little piece of paper, does that mean he wants you to look at the lyrics in depth and analyze them in relation to the two of you as people, and come to a conclusion involving some hidden meaning, and determine his motive for having you listen to this particular song in question, and then reply him in a way that shows you got it, you understand, a reply that shows some positive reinforcement so whatever this is can move on to wherever it should move on to, depending on the interpretation of the song of course. 

Or, does he think it's a good song you'd like?

 I am going to make time to update people about my life. I feel like I am drowning and I am too busy treading water to expend any effort for anything else. Every so often something will shock me out of that metaphor and I realize, I am living my life, and I need to make time for my friends, because they are important. 

Today it was a letter from Andrew, which really was amazing. The fact that someone sat down and wrote me a letter made me realize that there is time for things other than studying and Government meetings. Two weeks ago I got a newsletter from Sam which did the same thing, but I started getting overwhelmed before I could write back, so now I am going to make time and respond to both of them. It means a lot guys

My cat is sick. My mom always cries when she calls me on the phone. And it is monday and I am so tired and exhausted and I know the next time I will sleep is Saturday  morning. I am not doing so hot today. 

 I won the election, and am now social chair with my roommate. 
However we were running unapposed, but don't let that take away from our victory. 

Now I have all these official government meetings to go to and all these dinners with RAs and the RD, and its very exciting. 4 out of the 6 girls in my suite  are on hall government with me. We do things as a pack, a political coo. 

I think this is going to be one of those weeks where I am tired all day no matter what. It feels like that type of tiredness that any amount of sleep won't affect, it is constant and is only cured by the weekend. 

I study everyday, and I don't know how to explain this to people who don't. I have to, if I don't study one day, I will be up all night the next. And I am already up all night. 

Jose came out of the closet to us. He is now my first gay best friend in college, or well in life. We were like 65% sure he was gay to begin with but then he was all foreign and we chalked it up to him being European. He is so cute. 

It so hard to not say Jose-gay

Love life is at a stand still. But there is potential, and that is unnerving.

Me and Carly pushed our beds together as a joke for the weekend. It is still like that, because we kind of like it, a lot. Haha, it just gives the room good fung shei. And people always laugh when they walk in. And now we have space for a couch, oh fuck! we are going to steal one from the basement of the building right now. 

Write more entries everyone

Dylan and Stever are starting a Bob Dylan cover band.
They are calling themselves, Steve Dylan

I know we are gonna to meet some day in the crumbled financial institutions of this land.

Oh man Andrew Bird, Oh man, I want to see you live. 
I am contemplating pulling an all nighter, really just for the heck of it. I mean I am relatively caught up with my work, but I can't even think of sleep, all I can think about is birthdays, side walk chalk, clubs, chlorine, stoichiometry, and how much I love how my huge headphones can cancel out all outside noise. Occasionally people try to talk to me from behind when I am wearing them and they think I am blatantly ignoring them until they get in front of me. 

I dropped my phone in the toilet and now it is a toilet phone. Every time someone forgets about it and says they texted me I just go, "are you just trying to be mean to me?...I have a toilet phone" and every time it happens I think its hilarious. I quite like my toilet phone, I haven't noticed a difference in my lifestyle since I always forget my phone on the charger anyway. 

Tomorrow me and Carly make our speech for sweeps. We are running for Roosevelt Hall's social chair, and our campaigning posters are pretty good. One has a cat on it and reads "I can haz Carly and Kailtin foar soushal chair nao plz?" Its basically our power move. Also I am pretty sure no one is running against us. 

Today I decorated Robbie's door with Jess for his birthday. He lives in the suite above us and he is really a sweet guy, one of those likable people, who everyone knew in High School and won a lot of contests. We blew balloons and tacked them around his door and hung up our two happy birthday signs I had bought for Kate's birthday. Tonight me and Christina took down those decorations and ran them to the another building so we could decorate Ashley's door for her Birthday. Ashley K goes here now by the way. Different buildings are like different worlds to me, ecosystems. Also James who lives next door to Robbie is celebrating a birthday today so we also tacked one of the signs above his door. I hope he doesn't notice it came from his neighbor's door the day before. Recycled Birthday decorations loose are never as good as when they were first used. Sorry everyone, except Kate who actually got to enjoy them knowing they were just for her

 I have decided to give up on this crush, it's not working. Also I missed my Outdoors Club meeting tonight just to spend time with him and I am torn up about it. That was a stupid girl move. 
I just really want to meet someone like him, is that bad? I am not obsessed, its just a type. 

I don't want to date someone because they are nice. Of course I'll like you if you are nice, everyone likes nice people. I want to like someone because I love talking to them, because they make me laugh and they make my heart beat a little faster. 

I get a little down at school occasionally. I am still not that good at maintaining friendships with guys. I can't imagine hanging out with them alone, one on one, it just seems so personal to me. Everyone else in my suite doesn't seem to have a problem with it, and I know its not a big deal, but it makes me nervous. And some of the things they say I would never say. I guess. 

Okay, I am just going to be myself. I am not going to let these other opinions and personalities affect me. 
I am going to do my homework and ignore the people yelling about the Buffalo Bills in my common room.

Its hard because I am jealous and petty and not that nice on the inside a lot of the times.